I cannot believe its been about 4 years since I last posted. All I can say is that from a positive start my life in Saudi Arabia turned into a life-changing deeply reflective time. I had always said I wanted to meet myself in a dark alley with no defenses and that's definitely what happened. I had to confront my most inner demons and garner more resilience than I ever thought I had. I discovered parts of myself that I wish had stayed hidden and others that I just love.
Saudi gave me the gift of being truly completely alone and in that "alone-ness", which should not be mistaken for loneliness, I met my dreams, hopes and fears. I learnt to cry again, to belly laugh and to dance naked madly when I was alone. My inner Goddess is awake and thriving.
In many ways I know I have some residual PTSD from the conscious lived reality in Saudi Arabia and this is evident in the mere fact that I stopped writing. I will process the practical experiences later when I am ready. I am sure that there is a book waiting to be born but I don't want to relive any of it just yet. All I can say is that as a western woman I could never have pictured the horror that it was on every level.
For the last 18 months I have been living in Oman and I can truly say that I have found the place that truly makes my heart sing. I will always be proudly South African and my soul is African, but in this space I feel safe and "at home" in a deeply emotional way. I will never not ache for my family, that is a given, but I have given myself permission to let go of the guilt of being away and to embrace who I am and to truly keep growing and developing. I am also fervently letting go of binary thinking. It does not have to be either...or. That is so limiting. I am a committed loving mother, truly present in my children's lives and physically distant all at the same time.
I finally give myself permission to just be... I am not my sacrifice. I don't need to be a martyr and I certainly never to conform to be worthy of love. I just am looking out while looking in on one hell of a ride.
